Worst Karaoke Song Choices Ever
I had the worst Scotch ever in Vegas a few years ago. His name was Ewan. No, seriously, I decided I was wasting the free drinks opportunity by ordering beer. So I opted for a Scotch and soda. I’d had one once before, at Spin on a New Year’s Eve, and it was good. But then again, Spin probably buys Scotch in bottles, not 2-liters.
Did you ever have a drink so bad that it sobers you up a little? That’s how it was.
And while we’re speaking of the Imperial Palace and asking for advice, I want some suggestions on the best buzzkill karaoke songs to perform at the IP’s stripside bar. Here are some thoughts:
“Better Fitter” by Radiohead. In case you’re not familiar, it’s a vaguely facist set of self-improvement rules for employees, read by a computer, over an angry ambient background track.
“Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot. I actually knew the name Gordon Lightfoot without having to look it up. Shame on me. Bonus points if anybody’s left in the casino by the end of the song.
“Convoy” by whoever the hell. The only drawback is that it could be kind of a crowd pleaser. I guess. You’ve seen Vegas, right? Lots of sunburns, mullets, and novelty flip flops.
Mozart’ “Requiem.” All of it.
“Last of the International Playboys” by Morrissey. I’m a huge fan of Moz, and I love this song. But it’s pretty much unsingable except by a sexually ambiguous tenor Brit.
“Moby Dick” by Led Zeppelin. The singer has to b-box the drum solos, including the extended 4-minute one, without hyperventilating. (Harder than it sounds. Trust me.)
Any song by that Japanese noise-rock band that I saw at the Intonation Fest last year. All the rock cognoscenti were like “this is soooo genius” and I was like “aaaarrrrrrrrcgh.” Bonus points if you use live mice instead of a Moog for the shrill squeaky parts. Yes, yes, I know, I just don’t understand it, and I’m sure it’s pure musical gold. But damn, what the hell was that all about? I thought the Green Line was going off its tracks. But apparently you can buy this album to put on your iPod and, I guess, drive your car off a cliff or something. Did you ever hear a song so unlistenable that it sobers you up a little? That’s what it’s like.
The extended remix of “Things Just Keep Getting Better,” by whoever the hell, remixed by whatever. It’s the theme from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” remixed to an absurd length. The Korean Meat Beater was complaining about it the night that I was drinking Scotch and soda. I said something like “but I thought you guys liked it when things get longer,” and he left in a huff. Ewan Huff, I think.
"I love you, you love me... ", the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur. Deliver the song with complete earnestness, as if you think it's really going to go over well.
"Institutionalized", by Suicidal Tendencies. You know, the song with the "all I wanted was a Pepsi!" line in it. I can't decide which would be worse, a delivery true to the original (i.e. you sing like an LA gang member with a microphone), or an approach in the style of Wayne Newton.
"These Eyes", by Blood Sweat and Tears (I think). It's the song that goes "These eyes, these eyes have seen a lota blah blah blah..." followed by a long string of words you can't understand. Then it repeats, after a key change up one note. Then, inexplicably, another repeat with the key change. You should just keep repeating and repeating it, louder and louder, and getting more incomprehensible in the fast section each time.
"Double Dutch Bus". Why didn't I think of that before? Or should I say, wiz-y diz-idn't Iz-I thiz-ink oz-fz thiz-at biz-fore? Man, my buzz is killed just typing that.
Any of a number of heavy-bass rap songs from Miami, you know, the kind you hear pass by you on the street being played by some 17-year-old in a crappy car, where all you can hear is tinny synth hi-hat and the rattling of the car frame from the bass. This is the same idea as "Moby Dick", in that the singer has to do their best to reproduce the bass sound a capella. Try not to spit.