TimeBlimp's adventures in science:  stepping on the balls of giants 

    In the shower today I came up with three, count 'em three, new theories that are as we speak inserting themselves into the foundation of codified moral and philosophical thought in all civilizations.  No need to pay me, please put the checkbook away.  

The Counting Crows Theorem

     Rock bands that you acknowledge as talented, that you admit put out what appears to be good music, yet just don't do it for you, will eventually (given sufficient time) release a song you like.  For me, the exemplar is the Counting Crows' "Hangin' Around", the first song of theirs that I don't switch the station away from.  I further deduce from this that "Hangin' Around" is the song that true Counting Crows lovers hate.  Tom Petty is my exception to this rule, as I must conclude after decades of recording that I'll never hear that one song of his that I like.   Jack White, I'm still waiting, you have time to cough up your example -- hop to it...

The Fishbowl Lemma

    Just as goldfish are claimed to grow to fit the size of whatever bowl you put them in, individuals will often find enough stress in whatever they happen to have going on in their lives to achieve the same level of complaining, whether they extract teeth in Fallujah or handle accounts receivable two cubicles over from me.  As I read my writing I am forced to admit that this might not actually be a new tenet of philosophical thought, but rather a way for me to deal with accounts receivable two cubicles over.  If your religion includes the Philosophy of Accounts Receivable, then this still counts as a new tenet in your religion, otherwise, disregard.  Regardless, I think I should move out of Accounts Receivable...

The Phone-Call-From-Crazy Phenomenon

     When I draw the venn diagram of personality types (I've got it up on my cubicle wall here in my new home, Accounts F-ed Up), there is just the slightest sliver of overlap between the circles for "bonkers" and "erudite".  The inhabitants are those rare individuals who are 52 cards short of a deck of cards, yet are surprisingly clear, coherent talkers, resulting in the spooky experience of hearing a clear conversation from directly inside Crazy.  Good examples of this would be Danny Bonaduce (recall the reality show "Breaking Bonaduce", which made the rest of VH-1's programming look like George Plimpton reading an anthropology textbook), and John Popper from Blues Traveler (who has secret compartments in his car).  (with weapons hidden in them.)   Think about most other examples of people you wouldn't want in your car if you get pulled over -- they're usually incomprehensible -- Mickey Rourke, Gary Busey, Willard Scott, etc. 

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